learning html is a bit difficult for me, css is definitely more difficult. im interested in all these stuff but at the same time, i just feel like i have not time learning. i kind of feel guilty that most of what i have here is taken with ai, trying to provide prompts to get the feeling i want for this web. at the same time, isn't this what technology is? i don't know much about this. .

to be honest, i have little time for this yet i am using it as an escape. i have finally had the courage to pass my resignation and am now in an economic crisis. my savings' running out of my bank. all applications sent out was rejected; i was not even given a rejection letter, just a tagging in this app that says "most likely won't proceed".

i have always been afraid of the future, you know: always been paralyzed with the inherent blankness that arises with passing time. and here i am, quite adrift in it all, escaping the void into this place to make space for myself. and yet, the fear follows me. otherwise, this entry wont exist.

i have to admit, going thru this, i went too early: i didnt do any initial research and just went thru trying to create something concrete which - while it got me started - poses problems along the way. i didnt really think through what the web is going to look like, nor the contents; i didnt do any grid options, where things will be, what exactly the things will be. i just wanted to start doing things, and getting inspired with what other people's websites look like. i wanted all types of things and my head is swirling with ideas. however, since i didnt do my pre-requisites, im struggling to move forward.

in this sense, it will be impossible to continue. i have to know exactly what i want this personal web to be and what it would look like. i literally edited everything on neocities html editor not knowing - or not exploring - the other options available and i find my desire burning out instead of stronger. but i digress with full stop or abandonment; i want to pursue with creating a space dedicated for myself and who i am in this digital space.

i will start doing my homework in figuring out how this work on technical terms, then move forward with the "feels" term - i have never been a fast-learner nor my aesthetics unique. i will not forgo writing tho; i dont want writing to be back-burnered because i am learning. the look and feels of the website will just look like this for a while.

i am overcome by that feeling of not knowing where to go. i stop on an empty street outside of main, a side of town I frequnt at nights where the promise of easterly winds is on the table or the clouds parting after the heavy monsoon. in the darkness, i weighed my options of going back to Manila knowing full well I won't also know what to do or where to go. i feel trapped on both places that could hold me, the knowledge of which made me wonder if i was meant to be elsewhere.

in the cnter of the road, i find myself imagining a lost love. when i was a kid, my sister brought home a ummm vibrator... i meant a massager, the small one with the legs and 4 triple a battery compartment. suffice to say, i found what ejaculation meant and masturbation. i remember my climaxes with less clarity though with a near-mythical sexual feat lol. i was going to write an erotica about long summers and mist and sweat and Topher and searching hands and sexual discoveries and 'hey, no homo' and those long summers turning to lost summers as they all tend to be. i started but i couldn't continue. i started writing because i thought of a cool line but the cool line never came back. it was supposed to be an anchor but the story was too weighed down already by a reality.

i am troubled with love. more specifically the lack of it. when i get sad it's one of the things my mind drift on to. i might have grown up with the stupid idea that love can save me from misery. as a teen who was pretending to be deep, i would argue it was love for self. but i was knee deep in this romantic thing. growing up as a closeted homo in a small town, it is kinda cringe to say i didnt grow up with it haha. i think i may have pretended i wasnt lonely to long and saying it now feels... unnatural(?) like loneliness is for the youth with crushes and old divorced people alone. I'm embarrassed talking about romantic loneliness (and sexual desire) at 24. but i carry this with me, with less shame every day. ill slve it someday, maybe.

consistency, not my forte. i really like to make some space for myself outside of my brain but this is not getting updated regularly. i want to do it weekly and all but i always forget somehow. doing all the work feels too much but im not deleting this yet. made a new page for daily one-liners on V2, mainly same stuff as what i would write on my current hobonichi weekly journal but it's a step. im also going to try to use my phone for that. plugging in this rusted old laptop feels ... a lot. see you around web traveler. .... oh, during my brief - ehem - stunt of having gone back to our province, i decided to start having a moss. due to the constant rain our country experienced the following weeks back, moss grew on the concrete slab out our backyard. i decided to propagate some of it on a small plastic container and decided to bring it back with me to the city. it is growing slower than i thought it would grow though i am seeing miniscule changes so my heart is not fully fully at a dismay. i am hoping to have this moss until the day i die and in case that will be very far from the future, i can say to people who might ask, yes, i had this since i was twenty-four. i am excited to see some more changes on the land this clustered mosses occupy and would be happy to supply further updates in the future. ... i also started watching Mushishi anime three days ago, i think, and boy why am i only seeing this just now! i always love the slice of life anime genre. i find Genki-san's journey to be quite amusing and sad most of its episodes, whereas others i just think is too tragic which is great for stories: it doesn't shy away from the tragedies of its built world. it does have less structure in the stories per episode so i do not feel like i automatically have to watch the whole series in one sitting. it did become a habit to watch it on the day's end's meal which adds to the calming effect it has on my day.