learning html is a bit difficult for me, css is definitely more difficult. im interested in all these stuff but at the same time, i just feel like i have not time learning. i kind of feel guilty that most of what i have here is taken with ai, trying to provide prompts to get the feeling i want for this web. at the same time, isn't this what technology is? i don't know much about this. .

to be honest, i have little time for this yet i am using it as an escape. i have finally had the courage to pass my resignation and am now in an economic crisis. my savings' running out of my bank. all applications sent out was rejected; i was not even given a rejection letter, just a tagging in this app that says "most likely won't proceed".

i have always been afraid of the future, you know: always been paralyzed with the inherent blankness that arises with passing time. and here i am, quite adrift in it all, escaping the void into this place to make space for myself. and yet, the fear follows me. otherwise, this entry wont exist.

i have to admit, going thru this, i went too early: i didnt do any initial research and just went thru trying to create something concrete which - while it got me started - poses problems along the way. i didnt really think through what the web is going to look like, nor the contents; i didnt do any grid options, where things will be, what exactly the things will be. i just wanted to start doing things, and getting inspired with what other people's websites look like. i wanted all types of things and my head is swirling with ideas. however, since i didnt do my pre-requisites, im struggling to move forward.

in this sense, it will be impossible to continue. i have to know exactly what i want this personal web to be and what it would look like. i literally edited everything on neocities html editor not knowing - or not exploring - the other options available and i find my desire burning out instead of stronger. but i digress with full stop or abandonment; i want to pursue with creating a space dedicated for myself and who i am in this digital space.

i will start doing my homework in figuring out how this work on technical terms, then move forward with the "feels" term - i have never been a fast-learner nor my aesthetics unique. i will not forgo writing tho; i dont want writing to be back-burnered because i am learning. the look and feels of the website will just look like this for a while.